I'm a Patriot

It's a scientific fact that growing up, boys played with action figures and girls played with faux cooking sets and barbie dolls. The boys who didn't play with action figures are currently trying to figure out their sexuality and the girls who didn't play with barbie dolls and easy-bake ovens are probably aspiring to be in the WNBA. Like I said... it's science.

As for myself, I was BIG into the superhero action figure scene. And I'm not saying that just to convince you that I'm confident in my sexuality (which I am.... I'm straight). Anyway, I probably owned 97% of all action figures known on Planet Earth.

They lived in my basement where I spent countless hours separating the bad guys from the good guys, creating intriguing plots, and ultimately playing them all out. Every day was another drawn out movie/war that I created with exceptional precision. I created some really thrilling storylines. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that I saw movies such as Batman, Spiderman, The Hulk, Iron Man, Transformers, and Pearl Harbor way before they were ever actually created. I know this because I made those movies with my little action figurines when I was ten. Fact.

I put a lot of elbow grease and props into those epic battles I created. I did some work on my sister's old doll house (which was huge) and made that the Super Hero mansion where all my favorite good guys lived. I had a log cabin set up behind the pool in the backyard for the rest of the good guys that didn't quite deserve a room in the big house. Everyone got along nicely there.

In the darkest corners of the basement resided the bad guys; such as Shredder, Joker, Kingpin, Venom, and the good guys' perma-mole: The Punisher. As the stories typically went, I would have the Punisher on the inside trying to find out information about the bad guys' plans. Unfortunately for him, he would always do something stupid that would get him caught, usually spurring the legendary wars. For example, one time the Joker caught him having ice cream with good girl reporter, April O'Neil. Naturally, all hell broke loose after that. Since this scenario was based loosely off the Mighty Ducks 2 movie, I think you know exactly what happened in the end...

USA won.

I should have you know that when I say 'USA,' I clearly mean Captain America. That was always the end result. No matter what happened in my stories, I would always have Captain America, driving in his kick ass red, white, and blue sportscar, run shit and come out in the end as the sole surviving hero.

Let me give you an example of one of the endings.

One time, I tried very very hard to set the Super Hero mansion ablaze. I was young and naive so I rubbed sticks together for hours trying to spark something for the best special effects possible; unfortunately, I was unable to ignite it. I don't remember exactly what I did instead, but I'm sure I created the ambiance by using glowing logs with rolling embers or something. Anyway, I had everyone still alive from before burn alive inside, except of course for Captain America, who during this particular scene, carried April O'Neil away from the flames as well.

Back at her place. (which happened to be inside a glass book case turned apartment) she was depressed because the Punisher was ritualistically shoved into a VCR by Abomination earlier in the battle. To make her feel better, and for the sake of mankind, I put Captain America and her in compromising positions hoping they would procreate smart, super hero babies. All leading to a sequal and trilogy.

I think that all just goes to show that I'm a true patriot. I love my country and I always have. Captain America is symbolic of that love. I sacrificed some mighty fine superheroes, just so America would prevail in the end. You could safely say that I love America more than David Dachovny loves sex and more than fat kids love cake. Proven.

America. Fuck Yeah.

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